For a long time, I noticed I was saying sorry for things I hadn't done wrong. I am sorry for asking a question that may be autistically inappropriate. When I try to gain the courage to speak up and be assertive then realize I didn’t see a particular perspective, I say I’m sorry. When I know for a fact that something someone said was not correct and start to correct that person, I say I am sorry for correcting that person. There are even times when I am severely depressed over my current situation that I say I’m sorry for simply being there.
I wasn't apologizing for a mistake. I was apologizing for being my authentic autistic self and just existing in the moment. I am very much aware when I say I am sorry. It is a habit formed over a lifetime due to lack of self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem. I try not to judge myself for saying sorry all the time but I rarely succeed. I scold myself constantly for saying sorry, I was just adding another layer of harshness on top of the first one. This is what a samskara is. It is an impression I carry inside, a groove left by an experience that becomes a pattern in how I think and react. Noticing it, gently, is how I start to loosen the patterns that no longer serve me. This pattern is so ingrained in me that I don’t expect a huge change that would make a significant difference anytime in my life. All I can do is try to change in a way that increases my self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem.
Saying sorry all the time was a learned pattern I developed as a young child. I learned to be careful, quiet, and apologetic especially with my parents because that was what was safe for me. It felt like a way not to upset anyone, and not to be a burden. It wasn’t until the last decade or so that I realized I was saying sorry way too much. But there was always that safeguard to protect myself. I had to be kind, and keep the peace. Saying sorry became automatic very early in my life. Saying this word hides the truth and what I actually think. It hides what I actually need, and sometimes, it even makes me feel smaller than I am.
I believe now is the time I can start practicing not saying I am sorry. All I have to do is be gentle and kind to myself when I say the word. I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to notice I have said it unnecessarily because I rarely stop myself. Often, sorry is already out before I even think. My goal is to change my pattern of thinking and replace the word sorry with a thank you. That will be my challenge for the rest of my life. Right now, just noticing is the practice. I don't have to fix right away.
Here is a way I am choosing to get started. When I notice I am saying sorry, I will ask myself, gently: “Did I actually do something I need to apologize for?” Sometimes the answer is yes. And then a real apology is a good and honest thing. Often, though, the answer is no. I was just asking, or learning, or sharing a different view. In those moments, I will try not to scold myself for missing it. I just notice, gently, that it happened again. I won’t get it right every time. Some days the old samskara groove is strong, and sorry comes out before I even think. That's okay. Loosening a pattern is not the same as erasing it overnight. What will change is the feeling underneath. Instead of apologizing for being here, I will start to allow myself to be here in the present moment and accept the process.
If you notice this pattern in yourself, I invite you to try it gently too. Not by forcing yourself to stop, and not by feeling bad about how often you say it but by noticing, with kindness when it shows up even if it's after the fact. You don't have to apologize for existing. You are allowed to be here, just as you are. I might even be able to help you with a healing session using crystals and reiki. I would choose crystals without the help of the Akashic Records and Tarot Cards. The themes would be self-compassion, confidence to obtain personal power, clear speaking, and creating healthy boundaries. It is interesting that all of these traits are common challenges for many autistic individuals.
Self-compassion is an obvious theme for trying to quit saying sorry too much. There are many crystals that can be used for self-compassion. They are usually pink in color as compassion is usually a feminine quality. A traditional crystal is rose quartz for self-love, gentleness with yourself, and softening that harsh inner voice. I like rhodonite for self-worth and emotional balance, and forgiving yourself for old patterns. This definitely resonates with me. I wear three raw rhodonite crystals at times I feel bad about being sorry all the time. I call them three sisters because I was told never to separate them when I purchased them. The selection of the stone I would choose for you would depend on what feels right for you.
Confidence to obtain personal power is definitely something you can have on your chakras during a healing session and can help motivate you to practice changing sorry to thank you. The most common stones for this are yellow-colored stones placed on the solar plexus chakra or golden ones on the sacral chakra if creativity and manifesting change are desired. A traditional yellow stone for the solar plexus chakra is citrine which helps with confidence, joy, and standing in your own power. Traditional golden stones for the sacral chakra include carnelian for courage and confidence, acting instead of shrinking back or golden tiger's eye for confidence with grounding, holding your ground calmly. Again, it all depends on what feels right for you.
Speaking clearly is very important in order to learn to change the sorry to a thank you. The crystals used would be for your throat chakra that deals with communication and speaking. This would help me specifically for trying to rid myself of saying sorry automatically. Blue lace agate is a gentle, clear communication crystal for the throat because it is a light blue to help you say what you mean softly. Sodalite would help with clear thinking and honest expression, trusting your own view. Something I strongly value and would use for myself. Then there is Aquamarine for calm, clear speech, especially when you're nervous about speaking up then saying you are sorry for doing so.
For healthy boundaries, so you don't over-accommodate, I would choose a common grounding stone for the first chakra, black tourmaline which is an excellent stone to help with grounding and protection. I use black tourmaline in all my healing sessions for the purpose of staying grounded during the session. It can also be used to protect your boundaries with other people.
This is where I am now. I don't expect a huge change overnight, and I don't expect this groove to disappear. It was formed over a lifetime, and loosening it will take a lifetime too. I need to be ever so gentle with myself. My challenge, for the rest of my life, is to change my pattern of thinking and replace sorry with thank you. Not by forcing it, and not by scolding myself when I miss it. I just need to notice it, kindly, when sorry comes out before I even think, and ask myself, gently, whether I actually did something I need to apologize for. If the answer is no, I can let that be enough for now. Noticing is the practice. Thank you is the direction.
I am learning to allow myself to be here in the present moment, as my authentic autistic self, without apologizing for existing. I am learning that self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem are not things I have to earn by being quiet or careful. They are things I can grow, slowly, by being kind to myself when I notice the old pattern again. If you recognize this pattern in yourself, you are not alone in it, and you are not wrong for having it. You learned it for a reason. Probably, like me, because it once kept you safe. You don't have to apologize for that. You are allowed to be here, just as you are, and if you would like support in loosening this pattern, I would be glad to help you with a healing session, with crystals and Reiki, chosen for what feels right for you in order to have self-compassion, confidence, clear speaking ability, and healthy boundaries. I cannot fix your habit of saying sorry, but I do believe I can help you feel a little more like yourself, without the sorry.